My life, like many other lives, has not always been easy. However, through sometimes painful reflection and not giving up I have managed to find satisfaction and contentment in many aspects of my life. I now live a professional life with intimate relationships and friends and enjoy integrating into the world in a relaxed open manner, however, please be aware that there are painful reflections within this blog.
On the positive side, I have just completed my MA in Philosophy at the University of Exeter and I am now taking a Master’s in research at the University of York. I qualified and have worked for many years as a psychotherapist with individuals and groups where much of my work has been centered around shame. I now lead workshops on shame and recovery from shame. I have experienced shame, I have worked with shame both personally and professionally and I have researched shame, my dissertation for my Master’s at Exeter was on my experiences of chronic shame and aligning these experiences with the theories of the philosophers Edmund Husserl, Maurice Merleau-Ponty and Jean-Paul Sartre. Following these experiences, I would like to offer some reflections on my recovery from this highly disabling situation, chronic shame, many of which have been difficult and painful.
I left school at 15 without an education or the ability to function socially in a social world. I was severely shamed by my father, who would continually verbally and, to a lesser extent, physically abuse me, which resulted in my experiencing the emotion of shame in many situations. My father was an intelligent, successful professional man who held dominant positions. My shame would re-occur in situations where I was in contact with any other individuals but, particularly when confronted by similar people to my father, well-dressed professionals.
In situations where I was in contact with others, I would immediately feel the possibility of shame arising and want to disappear, become invisible, and get out of that context. My reflections here are about what I have learned that helped me to recover from this disabling position and become an adult who can be confident in most situations with others.
Chronic shame is integrated within the body and is carried into all aspects of life; body-held patterns are challenging to change. My first critical reflection was understanding that I was not experiencing the same situations I had with my father. Not every individual was my father, who was out to shame me. Other people were different; most people are willing to be open and caring and can offer support and consideration, and if they are not, then I have the right to challenge that. Gradually learning that this was the case and mixing with likable individuals who were different from my father, I realised this was the case. I became open to the option that I did not have to be anxious about being and feeling shame. The world was different from the one I grew up in.
As a child, I had no defense in the face of my father, an angry man. I learned that to feel shame was my only option. I could not get out or run away from his abuse as a child in need of family support. As an adult with increasing confidence, I realised that I could defend myself from others attempting to shame me or from situations that would previously cause me to feel shame. Confidence in myself gave me a choice in what I accepted from others. I no longer about myself I had to automatically integrate their views without first reflecting upon them myself. I was not fundamentally flawed, as I was made to think when I was growing up; I could reflect and choose what I accepted from others as an adult and not take on everything that may have been said.
The availability of reflection was vital for my recovery. To reflect, I had to have a level of groundedness and solidity in myself to be able to deal with any anxiety that occurred through being worried about feeling shame. Feeling shame led me to feel more shame about feeling shame. The whole shaming process is complex, and because of the intensity of shame, it is an emotion to try to avoid at all costs. Reaching the position where I can reflect upon how I accept shame takes time and effort.
A vital understanding helped me in my capacity to reflect. I was not, never was, or never will be a perfect human. As a child, I was repeatedly blamed for things outside of my control. My family of origin never had any accidents; it was always my fault. I felt like everything was my fault, and I could never do anything right. I would constantly look for possible mistakes I could have made to avoid feeling shame; living was an anxious process. I now know I do not have to be perfect, and someone is not ever vigilant in looking for and highlighting any possible mistake that I have or could make. My ability to relax and be comfortable with my fallibility, as long as it is not disastrous, is so comforting and enables me to be in the world in a far less guarded manner. I do not fear being shamed in every situation, and I do get things wrong occasionally.
Finally, recovery is challenging. It usually takes a long time, and it took me many hours of therapy to reach the position where I felt confident that shame was not always imminent. Through my experiences in the early years, I became accustomed to and anticipated feeling shame in almost every situation in life. I learned how to feel shame. Learning different reactions and ways of being in the world is possible. The learning will take time and effort.
Richard Dennison, Psychotherapist, MA in Philosophy, University of Exeter
29 November 2024